Starting a Family- Expectations and Dreams Altered

         Time is fleeting and often you don’t realize how important something is for you until you have the potential for it to be taken away from you. I throughout my whole life have been on a plan and have had several life goals that I have successfully achieved at designated and normal times according to societal expectations. Graduations, jobs, promotions, advanced degrees, marriage, adopting a dog to prepare for a child.  With all of the specific goals set, the next goal which  I wanted to achieve was starting a family, however the first obstacle for that plan was that was unfortunately the COVID 19 pandemic. As a healthcare professional I have been though the brunt of it the past year seeing and treating COVID patients. We have gone through so many transitions in the past year, however at the beginning we were extremely cautious due to the fact that we had a limited about of supplies and had to get creative such as homemade masks and gowns to protect ourselves.  At one point I was treating so many patients that I pretty much came home immediately took my clothes to the wash and immediately showered to reduce the risk of any transmission in case anything was not fully protected by the PPE. This process still continues to the day however thankfully we are seeing less COVID cases as the vaccines continue to be distributed to the public. With all of that I was going through at work my husband and I thought it would be safer to wait until everything calmed down before trying for a baby.

 

The second obstacle that is occurring for us is a more recent finding and is extremely heartbreaking for me and was picked up on a routine ultrasound to search for potential ovarian cysts. I have had a history of ovarian cysts and pelvic pain that is intermittent but pretty much occurs every month. I had an ultrasound about a year prior, which picked up the cysts and they thought nothing of it and offered birth control and that was it. Fast-forward to February 24^th 2021 and I went to my new OB/GYN office for a check if the cysts were still present and if so if they grew or shrunk and that was the day my world immediately stopped. At the beginning of the ultrasound my doctor stated, “Has anyone every told you that you have a heart shaped uterus?” I initially thought nothing of it but then he went on to say that I could have a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus, but was most likely a bicornuate uterus, however the diagnosis would need to be confirmed via a MRI of the pelvis to see if it was a bicornuate or septate. He went onto say that he has cared for many patients who have either condition and most often a c-section is required due to the baby not having enough room to flip for a successful vaginal vertex birth and instead the baby is breech which would require a c-section. While I was having a conversation with my doctor he might as well been speaking another language because I felt like time had stopped and I was in shock.

 

            For those of you that don’t know a bicornuate uterus is a uterus which is heart shaped and as you can imagine the top of the heart is the top of the uterus so instead of looking like an upside down pear the top of the uterus indents and creates two conjoined cavities instead of one cavity for a baby to grow and develop. A bicornuate uterus is a uterine malformation basically meaning that when I was in my own mother’s womb my uterus did not form/ fuse properly. It was a relieve to realize I personally had not done anything to cause this but heartbreaking to still learn of it due to being classified as a high risk pregnancy, potential complications that can occur such as increased risks of miscarriage, increased risks of preterm labor due to the baby not having enough room to grow, and finally as mentioned before the need for a c-section birth. While a c-section is not a complication, however it is hard to hear that it would be more likely when I had a “dream and plan” of how the birth of my child would go that went against how I had envisioned it.  In my research many women with my condition have had successful births without complications however it is scary to know that every step of the pregnancy I will have these thoughts in the back of my mind.

 

 

After leaving the doctors office and as soon as I go to my car I started crying thinking about all of the “what ifs” and everything that I could potentially face. The next step I needed to do was get further imaging to see the extent of the problem and if I truly have a bicornuate uterus or if it is a sepate uterus. My scan was supposed to be this past Wednesday the 10^th however it had to be rescheduled due to an insurance snafu. It is now scheduled for March 24^th exactly a month after my initial ultrasound. These past couple weeks have been extremely challenging however I am trying to take it day by day and try not to worry as much which is already proving challenging.  I have found a great support group on Facebook and am happy that I have a group of girls who are going through the same thing that I am and love reading the success stories, however it is still frustrating for me to know that my uterus offers a less than hospitable environment for my baby who doesn’t even exist, yet I love so much. The only blessing was the fact that I found out about my diagnosis before pregnancy so that my husband and I know what we are getting into and will have to face when we do start trying to conceive.